Today I downloaded cracked hytale and messed around with it a little. Sort of like a free trial thing so that I can see if I like the game without making a purchase. Anyway, I made a server, and I'm thinking of opening it up and putting the link on this site. It would be a server page on this website with like kind of an old minecraft server type feel and also I would create an on/off thing to notify everyone playing when the server will be turning off or on. It might be fun. I cut my bangs yesterday after a while of contemplating and realized curtain bangs were just what I needed to start the new year. I also did a lot of homework today without cheating, and that made me feel good. I felt like I was in highschool again, actually learning. I really want to make my house pretty. I'm disappointed with so much of it and there is so much that I actually would love to do to make it better, but my resources are slim to none. I also think I may have OCD instead of my (diagnosed) ADHD because a lot of my habits and stuff line up with that disorder instead. I don't want to fully waste time and speculate on it however. I feel like it wouldn't be an important thing to focus my time or energy on since ADHD based cleaning strategies can sometimes work for me. One thing that unsettles me about myself and my own habits is the idea that I could be falling into the exact life I didn't want to live; the life my parents lived when they were my age. I understand that I am self aware and I understand that I am doing a lot to become healthy and break the cycle, but I find myself falling into patterns of laziness and carelessness a lot. Actually, scratch that. It isn't that I don't care at all. It's just that I think too much and overcomplicate my problems. My boyfriend is the only person in my life who I can fully talk to without overthinking or overcomplicating, but he has similar patterns of laziness sometimes too. I would love it if I could do everything in my brain, just do it, just let it out, just fully achieve the things I wish. Maybe, for you, reader (no one), I can express my true feelings. I would love it if someone, not someone in my immediate circle, would read this, just to figure me out. Maybe, someone will discover it long in the distant future, or maybe someone will stumble across it, confront me in real life, and I'll be incredibly ashamed of what I have written. Please, if you know me, don't tell me. I want you to read this in secrecy. Anyway, having said that, I want to list out the things I want and why I feel they are unachievable at this current moment. (treating this blog as my therapist so that I don't have to spend 20 dollars copayment).

1. I want to get all the trash inside my house out of my house right now.
Why is this unachievable at this very moment? It is because I live in such a rural place that there is no trash pickup. If I want to throw away things that are taking up a huge amount of space like the broken microwave which has sat beside my back door for months, I will have to drive to the landfill which is 30 minutes away. I have never gone to the landfill, I don't know how it works, and I cannot donate the thing to the thrift store because I wouldn't be that person who gives away something broken. I hate those people. So, you see, my dilemma is that I have so many things like that microwave which cannot be burnt in a fire, cannot be donated, and cannot be thrown away regularly like my other trash. Along with that, my attic is in complete disarray which means that I have to go up there amidst the cold weather, hornets, and wasps and decide in the darkness what items to keep and what to trash when something of value or sentiment may be in there. I have gone through so much of it, looked at each thing carefully, and still, after 3 years of living here, it is not done. I feel like I'm at a dead end. Tomorrow, on his day off, my boyfriend and I will go into our front living room (the unusable room, deemed the trash room for now) and throw away all the trash in there just so that I can fill it back up as I slowly clean our attic. It's unfulfilling, boring, and makes me hate my house. I just wish that I had a magic wand to wish all the trash away and finally move on. It makes me not want to wash our dishes, do our laundry, or anything. It's so fucking unmotivating to have an entire room of trash that I just can't get rid of. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to express this without being too upset.

2. As I was trying to write 2, I realized that all of my issues actually stem from thing 1. The trash thing is actually the only consistent problem in my entire life. Oh. Well, I guess that makes everything harder. Anyway, goodbye for now. I might go to the thrift store, might not, depends on how long the sleet outside lasts.