Summer's Blog Page

Welcome to my blog page <3
please beware of triggering topics such as depression, disordered eating, and other deep subjects. This blog is like an internet diary for me, so be kind and considerate and please do not read if these topics might trigger you

9/5/26

The Secret to Loving Cleaning
You wanna know the secret to loving cleaning? It's top secret, come closer. Closer than that even. Just a little more. Okay are you ready?

I don't actually like cleaning. I know! Shocker! But you know why I am so happy to tell people I love cleaning or do a lot of cleaning? Because it's the only time anyone seems to leave me the hell alone. I could be eating, and somebody would still take it upon themselves to ask me if I'd like to call them for a few minutes to hear about their day. I could be reading a book, and still, that is not a worthwhile definition of busy. And if someone calls me, god forbid I don't answer, especially if they are younger and more sensitive than me. They will leave a voicemail or call me back 2 or 3 times before the day is over. I say "I love to clean" really because I love it when everyone fucks off. I love it when people think I'm busy enough to fit their definition of busy. I love when I can finally read a book without feeling guilty because it's not actually something i "have to do" so to other people I can take a break and do whatever THEY need me to do. I don't want to listen to you talk about your vacation, I know, shocker. I'd rather fold 5 baskets of laundry, wash every dish in my house, feed the sourdough starter, cook a 5 course meal, and sweep and mop 5 times than listen to you drone on about whatever useless thing is so 'important'. I have gotten 5 missed calls, 2 voicemails, and 4 texts after not answering today alone. The secret to loving to clean is to hate cleaning less than you despise interaction with the same people over and over again. If you hate interacting that much, you'll feel bliss from scrubbing toilets. If I lived on a deserted island far away from everyone I'd probably never touch a broom again. Id be sipping champagne eating caviar and creme fraiche. But that is the secret to why I "love cleaning" incase you were interested.
At least, unlike my peers, I realize no one cares about what I have to say, and considerately post all my upset on here instead of telling someone or airing my dirty laundry to facebook. Nobody cares. I don't care. You don't care. Don't pretend to care about my hatred for millennials, my most recent read, today's weaather. It's sad. It's lame. I see right through it, and it makes me hate you. And if you really do care, God help you.

And if you're reading this and I know you? If you're reading this and you know me in real life despite countless warnings I've given to stay off my blog for fear that you'll get your feelings hurt? Let me read in fucking peace. Let me open a book and breathe in the smell of it and feel no guilt for being wrapped up in it. I don't care about your trip to Florida. I don't want to hear about how you miss Las Vegas, I don't care. Let me read. For the love of God, and please don't call me in the middle of reading, ask me what I'm reading, and act like I should be flattered that you fucking asked. BECAUSE IM NOT! I'm not flattered. MAKE THAT 4 VOICEMAILS. Jesus just leave me alone!! I don't hate you, I don't hate anyone, I just hate people in general and I have 0 desire to talk to them, even the ones I REALLY like!! Don't let the fact that I exist in isolation like a goldfish while you like to listen to the sound of someone breathe offend your fragile senses. Please. Just let me read.

9/4/26

The Ever-increasing joy of isolation
"Is it bad to love isolation so much and the idea that people may percieve me as 'lonely' or 'unobtainable' fills me with unbridled joy? and meanwhille I'm just here, enjoying it, while nothing anyone thinks of me is true" is a text that I sent my fiance earlier today.

And I feel those words so strongly, and I always have, and I hope I always will. I love being alone with myself so much. So much that I genuinely smile just thinking about it. Of course, I love my time with him even more, but my time alone is not sad and things don't turn black annd white at all. There are people whose spouses might be offended by this idea, and luckily I am not one of those people. I love my life and I love my pets and I love my husband more and more and more and infinite mores after that (and if you've read through this blog, you'll know). I love loneliness. I love the feeling of existing in a place in complete and utter authenticity, not having to open my mouth and say a single word. There are people I know who pretend to love being alone, those who exist in a time after their loved ones have died, who pretend to like the silence, but who don't. I know people who don't even try to pretend to love being alone, who crave a conversation every day, whose only joy is speaking to their friends, and I don't look down on them, I love that they can find joy in that. But not me. I look forward to seeing those I love, but I LOVE being alone. I think it is rare to love it so much, but it is where I find space for creativity and deep thinking. It is where I find time to nurture my body and mind and to paint my nails and feel fulfilled by that. It might be a maintanence task, but it feels so good to finish it. To be alone and to take a shower is absolutely amazing, especially in the morning when the bathroom is filled with that brilliant yellow light that frames everything in a way that feels like I'm in a movie and every breath feels musical because I am experiencing the sensations so much stronger, waking up and registering my dreams in the silence between water hitting the tub and whatever my mind is weaving. It feels limitless to be alone, like I can do anything, like I can run and jump without someone judging the way I'm running and jumping. It feels scary, but in a way that you feel scared after watching a really good horror movie, happy and fulfilled that you were spooked because that's what horror movies are meant to do. When I hear a noise alone at night, I almost like that feeling of fear that I get, drawing up into myself, checking if the doors are locked, smiling at the cat because he's looking at me like he knows too that it's just the creaking of an old house. Even in moments of fear, I find it so romantic to be alone.

And those who know me and don't understand me say it means it's because I don't love my family, friends, or Mason. But they're wrong too, because when I greet him at the front door when he gets home and see the hard day in his eyes, I get this indescribable feeling that I am with the right person, in the right place, and that everything makes sense. Loving being alone and loving my partner don't have to be exclusive from one another. I think those two things actually expand on each other, especially when you're dating someone who has some of the coolest hobbies. On winter evenings when he's outside trying to figure out how to bend metal the right way, and I'm in the kitchen trying to stay warm, looking out the window, it's like I'm watching a movie about the world's most desirable, out of reach, perfect person. I see him there with his hair messy, rosy cheeks, and see the moon as it lights up the contours of his face and body, and I think about how much I'd like to kiss him. Only then he comes inside, and he isn't a movie, and I really do get to kiss him. Distance makes the heart grow fonder because I think about those I love in the distance. Sometimes I don't want to be closer to them in those moments when it's too cold for me to go outside or when I'm watching him from across the gym frowning because he wants to use a machine that someone else is using, but I want to instead of being close study those things that I might not notice if I'm right there in his face.
I want to ponder about it and think about how I can possibly tell him the way I truly feel, (even though somehow we've gotten so much further than "tell him how you feel about him, he'll like you!" I mean we're about to get married and have dated for almost 5 years)

It doesn't just go for my fiance though, but my pets too. I notice how cute they are so much more than someone else might. I talk to them, and I stare at them, and I watch their personalities. Clementine loves wearing a collar. I don't know why, but it's like he is proud of it. He loves the scent of pumpkin, and around halloween when I make pumpkin pie, he won't leave me alone until I let him try a tiny bite of pumpkin puree. Olive loves to chirp when she's re-adjusting her position. It's like she is making a happy noise that she's stretching and feels happy that she found the right position after a while of trying. I just love to observe things.
I think people who are lonely could do to observe a little more, because they might realize that even their walls are more interesting than they thought. I think everyone has the potential to love being alone, and it can even be fun. Sorry my blogs have been so long lately, I just feel so inspired to write! Bye now!

9/2/26

Chatting about my intrusive thoughts and eating habits, along with how derealization and anxiety affect my daily life, the posession of myself by myself(A deeper analysis within myself of the feelilngs brought out by a conversation I had last night with my fiance)
We're in a heat-wave, so I'm not running the washer or dryer today. Gotta figure out how to make a dinner that won't heat up the entire house. One thing that I haven't done lately are my nails or lashes. I just feel kinda bogged down I don't know how to explain it. Here's my attempt to explain the way I feel and the things I think that recently occured to me are not just "normal ways to think".

You know how on shows like my 600 lb life Amy and Tammy constantly eat things in excess but then convince themselves that they actually didn't eat that much? It's as if their brain seriously has evolved to be in complete and utter denial about their own food addiction. They'd eat like 7 donuts or something then seriously be convinced in their own brain that they only ate 2 because that's actually how powerful addiction is. (I have a point to all this, and I'm getting to it, I promise) They think they're trying, and it takes them a lot to put in what they think is a lot of effort but what actually seems to the viewer like the bare minimum. I don't know how to explain it very well, but I've applied this logic to myself. I guess this is my exact thought "I only ate half of this piece of pie so it isn't that bad--but what if it is that bad and I'm in denial because of my binge eating history and food addiction? What if I actually ate more than that and my brain literally isn't showing me my own memory of a harmful habit that I've inflicted?" Do you see how that could bog me down? It's like a constant thing of self-doubt and denial. I feel like I cannot trust my own perception a lot of the time.
I have convinced myself that my scale is wrong. My 500 dollar scale which scans every statistic which has helped me lose over 80 lbs. The one that I have compared to other scales, made my fiance weigh on to be sure, and put a 25 bag of flour on to make sure it was accurate. I didn't question it when the number said "230" but I question it now that it says "159". When I spoke to my fiance, he said, "Summer, it's because it's good. You never believe anything good about yourself. If it was bad, you'd believe it, because you focus on the bad parts of yourself and refuse to see anything good". I think he's right about that, but I don't really know why logic does not beat my feelings in this case because if every scale agrees and I look the way I look and people keep complimenting me, why can't I believe it?

I don't see myself the way other people see me. In fact, I don't see people the way other people see people at all. I don't percieve faces or bodies as 'attractive'. The way another woman would look at Ryan Gosling and think "wow, he's so hot", I don't think that about anyone. Male or female, I don't percieve attractiveness. All I see about different people are their identifying qualities so that I can tell who is who, and sometimes I get people confused for one another. That's why I'm bad with birthdays, names, and other traits. "Conventional attractiveness" has always been a tough concept for me, and this stuff applies to my own body as well. I see a flawed amalgamation of other people's traits when I look in the mirror, and I don't mean that metaphorically, I actually see that with my eyes. I sometimes think that my prescription is bad when I look at myself, or that I've got some kind of hallucinatory mental disorder, because I see such a drastically different thing when I look at myself than when I look at other humans. I wonder if people look at me and feel that I am uncanny.

The uncanny valley effect is what I get when I look at myself. That's the best way to phrase it! I see things that look human, but that are just slightly unhuman. I thought this would go away after puberty, that it was normal, but I don't know because I've never really heard of anyone else having this issue. I see myself and I think "I don't look like a normal human". I don't see "progress" which is why other people's validation is what I crave most of the time, but I try not to.

I see me, but I don't see me like you see me. In my brain, it feels like there exists a man. He manages everything, and when I write, I write as him. This is the reason why I almost transitioned, and I think it might have something to do with my gender dysphoria. He is me, and he oversees this female body that I have. I feel that I am not the body. I am him, and I control the body. I want the body to reflect the image of a perfect, conventionally attractive, skinny, and likable woman. I want her to be a fantastic performer and make everyone like her. I want her to do what I want her to do while I spend my time critiquing her. I'm comfortable with her being sexualized becuase she is just an object to me, a shell that I control, and I don't know if it's healthy that it feels like my body is so different from my mind, and I don't know what this person that I am would even look like when translated into a physical body. I don't feel like the man in my mind has a body. I feel like he is a mind, a soul, existing in a shell that is malleable and can do what I want her to do. I look at her and I think she is different than other women, and I want to make her the same. That probably makes no sense, and I should probably see a psychologist, because if anyone I knew read this, they'd probably think I'm crazy. I don't want to transition. I don't even want that a little bit, because I'm satisfied with my life as a controller of a mind of a body I guess, but that is how I feel. A controller. A manager. An overseer but not a doer.

I feel the physical sensations of my body, and I see it all from my own perspective, but I do more thinking about everything than I do actually existing in it. I dress myself up almost like a person dressing up their best friend. I don't think about "what do I like" most of the time. I think about the body and her aesthetic and how it fits in with my personality. I think of the tropes and the type of person I'd like her to be, how other people SHOULD percieve her according to my needs, how I percieve myself in accordance with that. And it feels good to paint my nails, and it feels good to do my hair, to do skincare, to bathe 4 times a day, but it doesn't feel good in a self-care way. It feels the same way it feels to maintain a car by changing the oil and tires or to wash it. It feels like a maintenance task which makes it perform better.

I read books about human perception, art of seduction, books about enneagram, astrology, types of person basically. I take the little tests, tie myself to a label, and stick with that because it feels like the only way I can have a identity because I don't know how to make my own. I love it, but it gets a little exhausting. It feels so effortless and mindless for others around me to exist, to do their hair, to go outside, to eat, to sleep, to breathe, but it requires so much effort for me. It's a constant battle between me and my own self. "If you eat another bite, your family will die" or "if you step on the wrong stone on the path, you'll get struck by lightning" and I just have to fight with myself about it. I have to remind myself as the overseer that some things I say to myself aren't true and some things are, but it's almost impossible to filter that out. I don't have a mental voice either. I can read in my head, but that's the only thing. I can't think in my head. I guess I can, but it's in a man's voice, not my voice. I feel as if I am a ghost posessing myself, not the owner of my own skin. I don't know if any of this even matters. I'm sorry this blog was so sad.

8/30/26

I hate millennials and boomers (yes, that's seriously all this is)
Today I'm really pissed off because Mason's manager cut her fucking finger and had him come into work early today after he worked all weekend, had to deal with a high pressure day Friday, and had to pick up a shift Tuesday after they were gloating about giving him 3 days off for once. He has literally gone into work with a broken toe before. The day he broke his toe, I remember him not calling out of work, limping out of the house, and working all day without much complaining. I don't understand how someone can be such a baby. Mason has come home with burns before, has cut his entire hand to the point where he had to wrap it up and I thought it was gonna get infected, and still didn't fucking complain. I think this might be a thing with millennials. They act all strong and tough, like they're traumatized or something and have been through some shit, act like they hate corporate america and want to solve it, but they just rot in it, breathe in the stench of it all, and don't do shit about it. Those Disney-Loving, Facebook-posting, greasy haired rats who think they've been fucked over just because of 'the system' when they had the power to fix the system and they didn't. Same people who are now raising gen-Alpha to be complete fucking idiots. I mean, kids cannot even read now. Same people who use Chat Gpt to raise their fucking kids and who can't even write an email without referencing AI. I hate them. Millenials make me crave Gen X. Millennials make me actually like boomers. That's ironic because Boomers are the ones who fucked up the millenials so I fucking hate them too. Gen X are chill but they didn't do anything to fix it either. All they can do is shitpost on facebook and twitter talking about how "everyone betrayed them" while sipping a pina fucking colada. But at least they actually acknowledge that they didn't help. Meanwhile Millennials and Boomers are over here suckling each other's teets talking about how good they did at parenting when they actually fucking sucked more than anyone. I mean I just really hate them. It's to the point where when I turned 16 and hatched the plot to find a sugar-daddy when I turned 18, I didn't even want to because I knew I wouldn't end up with a silent gen member, I'd end up with a fucking boomer. I'd rather be poor the rest of my life and be with a mature gen-z or gen-xer than spend my life coughing and choking on the cigarette smoke of an inconsiderate, financially free, slow-walking fucking boomer. All they do is ask other people for help, complain about their issues WHICH THEY CAUSED, while sitting on an absolute boatload of money. "my kids never come see me" seems to be their absolute favorite catch-phrase. Meanwhile the Millenials they raised drink their edgy little monster energies and act like they're so cool for wearing vests and tiger-print. I fucking hate Millenials. I hate them and their Jack Skellington themed coffee cups, their pottery painting, their beanies. I hate their tiktoks, their angst, and everything about them. I hate millenials so much in fact that they make my dad look good. Millenials make DISNEY ADULTS look good. I hate them! I hate them so much that I'd rather sit in a room with a boomer for 5 hours while they talk about their timeshares and their time as a "world-changing hippie". I fucking hate millenials and I fucking hate boomers. I can't wait for my kids to grow up when all the boomers are dead so that they'll never have to endure the crying of a baby who inflicted its own issues! I mean seriously. An entire generation of fucking donkeys. There are a few that are good, but Jesus christ, the majority really do not help. And don't even get me started on the millennials and their self deprecating humor. All they fucking joke about is how much they wanna kill themselves. All the media they ever made fucking sucks. If I could describe the media that millennials have given us gen z as kids (because they're the ones who were making animation when I was growing up), I'd just say it's a bunch of fart jokes and fucking suicide humor. Wah wah wah wah. Four words to describe Boomers and Millennials. I mean at least Gen X gave us Nirvana. At least Gen X is trying. Kudos to you Gen X. You're not complete assholes. One thing I've noticed with boomers is that they ask for help with fucking everything. The silent generation, at least the few members of it that I was lucky enough to meet, did not ever ask for help that much. They were pretty fucking great! They are good people, well-rounded, who obviously gave their kids a little too much in a post-war effort to give their kids what they didn't have. These kids took that and grew into the most insufferable fucking people that this world has ever seen. They fucked up America financially, politically, and spiritually. I would go so far as to say that if it wasn't for boomers being the way they were in the 60's and 70's, the Gen Xers in the present day wouldn't be so fucking traumatized. I actually genuinely feel bad for Gen X because they're good people. Somehow Millenials got the bad apple from their parents. Gen X vs Millennial argument is like putting two evils against each other, only one evil watches tiktoks loudly in doctor waiting rooms while chewing loudly on chips and taking a selfie with their purple hair and nose ring. Obviously you choose the one who sits there quietly with their arms crossed minding their fucking business. Gen x minds their business and doesn't act like they're helping. That's what Gen z loves about them. They're not helping, they don't act like they are, they're chill. But boomers, all they can talk about is how good they are while simultaneously asking Gen z and Gen x for fucking everything. They are so caught up on "familial obligation" that they can't see their gen x children's trauma that THEY INFLICTED. The most common one I see is religious trauma and sexual assault trauma. These boomer parents were TRYING to kill their kids I swear! To the point where the tv literally had to say "do you know where your kids are right now" because the boomers were too busy wife-swapping, watching tv, and getting shitfaced to even care about where their kids were. That's right, go smoke another fucking joint instead of caring about whether your young child is drinking hose water. I mean Jesus christ I hate them. There are some boomers in my life that beat these stereotypes and are not completely insufferable. The one upside of all the rest being bad is that it makes me really worship and appreciate these ones all that much more because I'm like Jesus christ the bar is on the floor how did you turn out a medium-quality person when it seems like all the others of your generation got a little too burnt in the oven!! But Millennials? NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD. I don't know a single fucking millennial who beats the stereotype. At least I've met some boomers who are cool and who I could talk to for hours without getting bored, but Millennials are the absolute scum of the earth. They're the most boring people I've ever met and they all think they're so interesting. I don't care. I don't care. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear about how your kid is starting school, leave me the fuck alone, don't make it my problem that your kid is in AIG class or is smarter than the rest of their class or something or how you can't do something because you need to make a school supply run. I don't care about your kids! Stop talking shit about them. you just put an ipad in front of them anyway. I mean why did you feel the need to have a gen-alpha if you were just gonna hate them for their entire childhood and act like it isn't your responsiblity to raise them!! Fuck you millennials. I hate you. That's right. ALL of you. At least I like some boomers. But no, I hate you all.

8/29/26

Fall Cleaning Escapades/ I love my support system, This blog entry is super long!
Hey! I wanted to come on and talk about my progress with Fall Cleaning! (something I do in my house instead of spring cleaning) It's going really well so far. Gotten a lot done, organized a lot of things that I've been putting off for months, all in prep for halloween decorations. I actually really really love fall cleaning because the beginning of spring is much too cold for me to worry about cleaning at all, but the beginning of fall is the perfect temperature. That's why it's my favorite season. My depression has still been around, and has caused me to gain some weight, but I'd honestly rather put all my effort into continuing my cleaning than worrying about that right now. When everything is done, I'll focus more on weightloss stuff again. I'm honestly more into weight-lifting now than cardio anyway, so I think I'll have somewhat of a winter arc this year with that.
Well, I'll go ahead and detail the stuff I did so far and then I will go through the stuff I'm gonna do, talk about my amazing hubby and how much of a fucking hype man he is for me (I think depression would've taken me by now if I didn't have him by my side), tell you about my little adventure with my friends yesterday which was so much fun and I didn't even know how much i needed it, and even talk about some of the things I've invented to help myself along the way!
I started out with all this by watching some fall video compilations, mostly Martha Stewart because I love her and she always makes me think of my childhood, also some 90's halloween commercial compilations because I miss the whimsy of old TV. I lit some candles, cried, played with my pets, did everything I possibly could to set myself up for excitement because I've learned that although childish, that's just what I have to do sometimes. Eventually, I was pumped up enough and ready to make my lists, so I went around my house and thought about all the stuff I've been putting off for months. Reorganizing my fabric collection, creating a centralized space in my living room for in progress creative projects (very important, this is an EXTREMELY hobby-ridden household), organizing baking supplies, spice cabinets, plates, silverware, getting rid of cardboard, organizing sheet music, deep cleaning my bookshelves, organizing my trinket collection, and hanging shelves that I've had for months just sitting in a corner.
Man, when I tell you I locked in, I really did lock in. And I was so exhausted by the time the first day was up (about 2 days ago, that's why i haven't been on here). I baked some cinnamon roll cookies, a crockpot meal (so that I could focus on other stuff), and cozied up in a blanket after I was all done on the first day. I got done 3 rooms the first day which is less than half of my house. Sometimes I joke that my house is too big for the four of us, and that when we add one or two more little people, it'll be just the right amount full. When I think about our future, it makes me feel so fluffy inside, and we are lucky that our life is going the way it is, because we have everything we need, sometimes too much of what we need.
Sorry, that's off topic. But I guess I can get a little more into that. I really need to give my fiance the credit he deserves because after the first day, I was really very sad because sometimes when I organize something and it isn't absolutely perfect, like if one little hair or detail is off, it shatters me if that makes sense. That's why I don't start projects or finish them sometimes, because I'm so afraid that one detail will be wrong and it will send me into a spiral. I think maybe that comes from years of being fueled by the validation of others or academics, but I've gotten better at handling it. I guess I should say that WE as a household have gotten better at handling it, because I really couldn't do it without Mason and the kitties. I never would've guessed when we got together that Mason would grow into the person he is. I really never thought he'd become so good at reeling things back in and talking me through my worst moments, but I guess we've grown so close over the years that he just knows exactly how to make me smile when everything feels dark. I feel so inspired by his family which has become my family too, something that I only ever dreamed about as a kid, and I miss his mom every day. I feel so inspired and awe-struck by his ability to brush things off his shoulder and smile at those who might wish ill on him. Every time I hear him talk about his struggles, it doesn't feel like a complaint, it's like I can see the gears moving in his head, thinking "how can I solve this, and how can I make it 10x better?" and he always does. People told me that after a year or two my love and obsession would fade, but I think their partners just suck, because I honest to God find something else to love every moment I am by his side. When I feel like the worst person in the world, I see who is beside me, and I think, "wow, if this person and his amazing family chose me, I can't be so bad" I think the same thing about my amazing friends. I have the best support system in the entire world, and I feel so so so fucking indescribably lucky that for some reason these amazing people chose ME to be near them. For so long, I felt unworthy, and I still do some days. I feel like I don't deserve to be around these people who make me laugh so much that my stomach hurts, or who look at me like I'm actually truly good, but then I realize I'm not dreaming and that these people really do enjoy me for some reason.
Well, on the second day, we went out and bought some fall decorations, went to the thrift store, went and got some pokemon cards, had an all around amazing day. We had a lot of fun, and I've always wanted to decorate this house more ever since we moved in, but this year I felt that I really had to because life is too short to not buy decorations 'just because they're expensive'. I know the ambience of autumn will motivate us, and that's why I find it super important. Plus, this year we have the space, and I wanted to buy some cool fall stuff to spoil the cats. We came home and Mason baked a very very good cake, and I was proud of him and proud of myself because with my new system of organizing everything, it was all very easy to find. He was pretty upset because his work schedule was messed up, but I think baking made him feel better because it's one of his favorite hobbies. I like it when he bakes because I don't make him wash any of the dishes, he gets to do the fun part, and I clean up after him. So we're in the kitchen at the same time and we get to listen to a cd or the radio and chat while he works. I enjoy that because it reminds me of days in the kitchen with my Mema when she would wash the dishes while I baked.
The next day I went out with my friends and had an awesome time. I think it's just what I needed. To step away for a minute, come home, and spend today working on the things I didn't quite finish like cleaning the bathrooms, going through some clutter, and cleaning up the coffee space (can't wait to organize like 20 syrups...) I had so much fun with my friends yesterday and more than anything it made me grateful and excited. Today, I've been focussed so far on getting myself to be energized and doing the stuff I normally do excluding the fall cleaning so far like washing dishes, doing laundy, making beds, all that fun boring stuff. I made a white chocolate pumpkin spice latte, and now I'm sitting down, unpacking it all to you, feeling really ready to jump into the things I didn't want to do earlier. So, I'm gonna close this blog entry out with this, never take for granted the support system that you have, and always show those who you love that you love them, because you never know when they need to hear it most. Thank you to all my friends, my amazing family both mine and Masons, and my awesome life partner for never giving up on me. Maybe next time I update it'll allllllll be done <3

8/25/26

Thrift Flips I've Done Today/The Process of an Artpiece I did
Hello! I wanted to hop on here and share some accomplishments and maybe vent a little bit about about my struggle with making stuff or my mental process or whatever with making stuff. I went thrifting the other day and bought these cool black boots, right? Well I got them home and realized they hurt really bad to wear. They also had like black paint coming out of them so I couldn't sell them and keep my integrity in tact because I would never want to be the reason a customer has a bad experience. So what do you do then? What does any goth girl do when something doesn't go right? Thrift flip that shit! So here I was, gritting my teeth pulling with all my might to get the soles out of these fuckass shoes. Finally, it came out, but a lot of fabric ripped with it. So then I soaked them, stretched them, and they finally fit. Well, now these things have almost the entire bottom fabric missing. At least I'm gonna be wearing them with socks. They're really cute, so whatever.
Since I was bored, I decided to do another thrift flip. I had a KISS shirt from the destroyer albumn which I was really happy to thrift, but I didn't see the pit stains (side note; whoever wore this shit was sweating to death because wow those stains are... yikes). I cut it into a tank top, cut the collar into a v collar, and decided to make it a muscle shirt for the gym because I usually wear t-shirts but I wanna make myself have some motivation to build muscle on my arms. Then, after accidentally wiping some lipstick on it, I realized I could make something pretty cool.
So that's the story of how I applied like 4 coats of lipstick, blotted them all on the shirt, painted bleach over my lip marks, wrote "xoxo" all over it, added hearts, and turned the KISS shirt into a shirt with kisses on it. I totally wouldn't have worn it, but honestly, I probably will now. I don't really listen to KISS, but I bought the shirt initially because I feel like it's something that is a big part of goth culture, so I will have to give it a listen eventually, but now I actually wanna listen to the album. I am more into dreamwave adjacent gothic music like Cocteau Twins, but I'll give it a go. I also crossed out the word destroyed and replaced it with the word lover because it felt right to me after leaving kisses all over the shirt. I really enjoy bleach art as a way of expression because it's one of the easiest art forms to do with thrifted shirts and skirts.
Then I decided to do another piece with a small thrifted y2k world beanie baby. The idea of this artpiece was to deface the value of it, since the ones with the print error on the tag are more valuable. This beanie baby has 2 misprints on the tag making it more valuable than one of the later ones. When I look at this bear, seeing the globe emblem on its chest, it makes me really ponder the way the world used to be so connected. It makes me feel like back then, when they manufactured these globe y2k beanie babies, they really truly had hope that the 2000's would bring connection and joy. Then we got 9/11, a world that cares more about security than freedom, a world where we are all disconnected and yet connected at the same timem. The bear to me is a symbol of what could have been, a future that everyone thought was possible, that maybe was possible, but that we didn't allow. I decided that I wanted to take the tag off the beanie baby because that's taking away its resell value. When I attached the tag to another part of the beaded charm, I wanted people to look at the beanie baby, then the tag, then realize it's valuable, then realize it isn't anymore. In the middle of the tag and the beanie baby plus, I placed a big, bulky paper tag which has written in black ink "your phone is killing you" as to stick out to the reader. On the back, the white tag says in black ink "See the world before it's too late". I am proud of this piece of art because it truly matters to me. I hope if you're reading you might feel inspired! That's all, see ya!

8/21/26

Hi!
Howdy howdy howdy I'm on here again! Wow three times in one month! I have been having a really great time with the new phone. Also went thrifting yesterday and found some cool stuff. Just posted another video talking about all that I got. All around it was pretty successful. I had some really awesome nachos for dinner last night. Steak nachos are unbeatable I don't care what you say. Fiance finally got the new washing machine to work. He's such a genius I don't know how he did it I would've rather shot myself than try to do all the stuff he did tbh. That's all. Bye!

8/16/26

Doing a lot of Art, Excited for my phone to come
I've been working on a lot of art lately, and I've realized that I've lost a lot of the talent from not practicing like I used to. In school, it was easy for me to hone in my skills every day practicing in my sketchbook while teachers talked because I had to be doing something with my hands in order to understand what they were teaching. Now that I'm home all the time and doing so much, it's like I forget my hobbies. When someone calls me to ask if I'm busy, I have this habit of saying "no" even if I am busy doing something I enjoy. It's because, I guess, my hobbies don't feel worthy of the title "busy" because they're not something I HAVE to do. They're something I want to do, something that I enjoy. It's good that I have these hobbies, but a lot of them consume a lot of brain-power. Sometimes I wish that I enjoyed things like parties and drinking because they feel low effort and a lot of people my age enjoy them, but I think about going to a party and I cringe because it seems like such a waste of my time.

I'm going to come clean to you, reader of my blog. For the past few months, I have been in the worst depressive episode that I've had in a very, very long time. I've been coping very well and keeping myself busy. I don't mind it. It just gives me excuses to practice my coping mechanisms and the stuff I've read in books, but it is very annoying on some days when my friends or family need me and I have to put on the smile that everyone has come to expect. I don't think any of my loved ones truly grasp how hard it is for me to get out of bed each morning and actually do things. Everyone is very understanding when I don't put in a lot of effort, and I'm glad about that, because I don't want to fully explain or express my feelings since I really have nothing to be sad about. Dealing with depression that isn't situational has a way of making you feel like it's for nothing, like you should be happy because everything is fine, but something in your brain makes you sad anyway. Something in your brain makes it hard. It's something I can only really compare to chronic pain. Your body shouldn't feel this way because there are no new circumstances; I shouldn't feel sad because my life is perfect and I have everything I want, but I still do, because depression is a part of my identity. It doesn't make me who I am, and I try really hard not to identify with the feelings themselves, but depression is a very large part of the core of my person. With this in mind, I find it really annoying how friends reach out and ask me not to isolate myself when I am sad. I don't think people understand that the best thing for me when I'm unhappy is to be left alone. A very large amount of people in this world need someone else to validate their feelings and talk them through situations like a baby. I don't want to be coddled when I'm sad. I don't need a friend to listen. I don't need a hug. I just want to deal with it by myself because that's what I like to do. I don't do it to be "edgy". I don't do it to be "unique" or even because I lookk down on those who need a little extra support, because I don't. I think it's good that thats how some people cope! I just don't. I find enjoyment in the small beautiful things of this world. I find comfort in the mundane things that God has given to humanity like a sunset or even moments of silence where I am forced to sit with myself and listen to my breath. I find silence and solitude to be the most comforting thing when I am upset, but I can't be alone all the time, and I don't want to be alone all the time. Anyways, I'm glad that I have this blog to vent on. Writing down my feelings is much more comforting than talking to someone about them for me.

I'm really excited about my phone coming in. Since it will be here tomorrow, I am hoping that my SIM card comes at the same time. I do have a lot that I need to do around the house, and I have been getting things done for the most part, but there are a lot of things that I'm still unsure about like how to organize my fabric (ie by color? material? im unsure but theres a lot of fabric). I have been researching everything I need to do to the phone once I get it and might compile a list of files and stuff that I need to use to sideload when I get the device, but everything seems pretty self-explanatory. I might make a tutorial when I do it because it seems like there are little to no resources on the internet for people like me who are trying to use this phone for heavy texting.
Anyway, that's about it. See ya!

8/14/26

New Phone, New Washing Machine
Hiya I'm posting on here again and it hasn't even been half a year this time!! I just figured I'd come on here to say that I am getting a new phone. I might post some tutorials on youtube related to the new phone. It's a kyocera duraxv extreme, and I'm really really excited to recieve it in the mail. I should be getting it before the 17th, so that's really cool. I am also getting my washing machine in the mail fromm amazon soon so thats really cool. I won't have to bend over the bathtub for hours to do laundry by hand anymore! Laundry has been piling up around the house for the past few months because it's so hard and time consuming for me to do it all by hand especially since there are two of us and we are both really into fashion and stuff... Also, with me thrifting sewing material and having to wash it before using, and thrifting a lot of clothes, this is gonna be sooooo great. On the topic of thrifting, I'm thinking of surprising my fiance with a nice gray 100% wool coat because he has been looking for one and I know I can find one somewhere. I found some on depop, but I'm not 100% sure if I want to grab that or wait until I go to the thrift store soon. I know that he wants me to embroider it or something (i forgot exactly what he said) so I am looking for something that I can maybe fix up the seams like just wear and tear. Yeah! that's about it! Also I posted a new video to my youtube so that's pretty cool.

8/6/26

What I've Been Up To
I've been having a really great time lately, so I haven't really had time to post here. I figured I'd give a little update! I was proposed to on February 11th by my fiance, and I'm super excited to start all the wedding planning stuff. I've had a really easy time with cleaning my house and cooking creative and new reciipes lately because I've spent a lot less time focussed on scrolling and more time on my hobbies and such! I've been sewing way more and even made a pretty cute jumperskirt out of some UGLY skirts that I never wore. I am spending a lot of time being mindful and researching causes that I really care about like flock cameras (I hate them). I also started customizing bleached shirts that I'm going to give away to people for free with a zine about flock cameras, and I'm considering making a comic to post on this website. The shirts will be thrifted, 100% natural fiber, and hand-bleached, so I hope that people really enjoy them. Anyway, I'm gonna revamp my website again I think. Might even post on youtube some more. That's all! Enjoy guys!

2/3/26

February is busy
Hey there everyone! I just got back from the thrift store. I figured out that the little girls section is the coolest place to buy mini skirts. I love the skirt I just bought, looks identical to one I saw on depop made for adults which was 30 bucks. Mine was 3 lol. Also snagged a cute jacket with rhinestones (LOVEEE RHINESTONES!!) I love anything in general that sparkles and shines. I feel a little self conscious because of my weight gain, but I honestly think its because im having my period. lowkeyyy. Anyway! I saw a guy at a store annotating a book today, and I was really upset because I wanted to make friends with someone who annotated books, but I don't really like being friends with men because they tend to flirt with me over time. I've honestly given up on friendships with men in general because of my horrible past experiences. I am about to dig out my old 3ds stack and start modding them all again, so that's pretty fun stuff I guess!!! Yay!! Doing pretty well over all, just procrastinating some homework as I often do when I post a blog on here. I am going to wash some clothes today, bake a loaf of bread, finish sewing the pajama set I'm working on, do my homework, and mod a 3ds probably. I might even order the battery replacement for the 3ds I've been working on for some time. Hope it all goes well! Bye now!!

1/30/26

My brand new dryer, Winter storm, happy
Hey again! I just got my new dryer, and my house looks a lot better. I'm surviving the storms, cold, but surviving. I have done a lot today. I washed most of the laundry (had to wash it by hand since I don't have a washing machine yet), cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the living room, and am putting off my homework now. I can't wait until all the laundry is done so that I can fold it. Folding the laundry is actually one of my favorite things to do, and it makes all the hard spots that I get on my hands from washing it worthwhile. My hands hurt, speaking of which. For dinner, I'm not sure what I'll make tonight. I pulled out some chicken to cook. My dryer is super cute, but it does take a while to heat up and work. It can't dry much at a time, but it is a good little machine. My favorite thing so far is putting my towel in it when I'm going to shower, then getting it out when it's nice and warm and cozy. I had some tea earlier, some yogurt with oats, and some water. I'm trying to drink more water lately. I can't figure out heatless curls for the life of me, but you know, it is nice that I'm trying to do my hair. Trying is much better than not trying, and I feel good when I look good. That's about it from me for today. I hope everyone is doing well and staying safe in the cold weather. Bye!

1/17/26

New dryer, hopes for a kitchen redo, and loving my sewing machine
I've been doing pretty okay. I have updated the blogs page of the website so that everything looks way better, and I'm still working on it. The holidays have definitely not helped with my weightloss goals, and I'm pretty sure I have gained back a lot of the weight I lost. Oh well, I'll just have to try extra hard this year.
My new classes started, and I hate them already. If it weren't so close to my graduation date, I'd be dropping out of college right now. It seems pointless to me to continue pursuing this degree when I know for a fact I'm just going to be a housewife. All of this for a piece of paper.
Well, in good news, Mason is probably going to propose to me soon. I'm excited, scared, and happy. I feel like it's the beginning of a great new future, but I still have a lot of loose ends I want to tie up with the house and making it all nice and stuff. Right now, it's a total wreck.
My new dryer is coming soon because I finally caved and decided I'd rather do my laundry at home than the laundromat. I am excited to get the dryer and check it out especially since it's one of those portable ones that don't need to connect to a wall vent (our house has no hookups). It will be coming soon, and I am sooooo happy. I'll probably post an update when it comes!
One thing I'm pretty excited about is my new sewing machine. For the longest time, I've used a sears kenmore sewing machine from years and years ago which belonged to my great great grandmother. I loved that machine, but it was so tedious to sew with. Also, something was wrong with the tensioner. I finally caved and bought myself a computerized brother machine. I've been using it nonstop since Christmas. I've sewn one dress, two oven mits, and a new curtain for my kitchen so far. I love experimenting with textured fabrics the most. My kitchen curtain is a white linen which is slightly see-through. It makes natural light come in a lot better and the space looks so much bigger. I also made use of a cabinet closest to the floor underneath where my old oven was and turned it into a small cat bed so that the cats can sit there while I cook. I've noticed they love to come lay at my feet while I cook, so maybe this will be a good compromise. So far, they are enjoying it since it is nearby the heater and they like to bask in the warmth. I'll have to replace the laminate on my countertops soon, but I'm unsure of what color. Finally, I have sanded most of the wall and gotten the beautiful natural wood back. Now, I have to color match a stain which will go with my cabinets. I also want a new gas heater because mine pops which is very offputting. Anyway, enough about my kitchen redoing goals.

12/13/25

hit my goal
afraid to be triggered by eating in a social setting
procedure after eating as a guest?

Today, I woke up and weighed myself as normal. I hit my goal of losing 60 lbs today. I decided I wasn't happy yet, so I am setting another goal to lose another 10. This is a tremendous accomplishment for me as I am finally healthy and not struggling with binge eating anymore! I'm sure that my triggers will still be rough to manage. One of my biggest ones is social settings where I feel like I'm eating too fast or too slow. When I'm visiting at someone else's home as a guest, I never know what their routine is after eating. I've never figured out the right way to handle getting up after a meal at someone else's house, so I tend to monitor other people around me and watch how closely they are to finishing eating. Then, I eat to match their pace so that I can watch what they do after they're done to avoid doing anything stupid or awkward. After that, I watch them, follow what they did, and yeah. It's the easiest way for someone like me to not make a total fool out of myself. You might be thinking: Well, why don't you just eat at your own pace and put the dish in the sink? Some people think it is rude for a guest not to wash their own dish when they're done. So, wash the dish, right? That sounds great in theory, but I've done that before, and some people also think that's rude for some reason. I really don't understand, so I try to eat at home before I go anywhere. My favorite thing in the entire world is when people use paper plates because I can throw it away when I'm done and eat only as much as I want without a fear of wasting, eating too quick, eating too slow, or the after dinner dish panic as I like to call it. Anyway, I know I've gone on and on and on, but that's why social eating is one of my biggest triggers for binge eating.

9/3/25

Going to las vegas
hanging out playing minecraft
a little nervous for traveling
Today, I went to my grandparents house with my boyfriend. We are staying the night with them since we are flying out very early tomorrow for a family vacation/my dad's wedding. I'm excited but afraid to travel since I rarely leave my house. I have pretty bad social anxiety, and even around family, I have a hard time picking up on social cues and knowing what to say or do. I guess it's just something I've always struggled with, and I tend to fake this huge extroverted talkative personality to overcompensate for my insecurities. One of the main reasons I don't go out a lot is because I hate speaking to people. I dislike people in general actually. It isn't that I don't like talking to them, having them over, or even that I have a dirty house. Even if my house was clean and everything in my life was going well, I would still dislike people interacting with me. It's just because it's me, I guess. If I was any other person than myself, I might love to hang out with people. I even love phonecalls with close friends. The part that upsets me so much is how my brain makes me talk and talk and talk to try to make up for all the things I'm not picking up on in conversation. Anyway,I had a really good time. We ate a yummy lunch and dinner, and had a lot of fun together. I always love spending time with my grandma because she means a lot to me and she has a lot of great stories. We have decided to stay up until we leave for the airport at 3 am and play minecraft together! I've been playing minecraft since I was like 8 years old and I still play it almost daily. It's really cool that I found a boyfriend who also likes it and has been playing it for so long because we can play together now as adults. Hopefully I get home safely from my trip and don't feel too awkward around all the people I'll see. Viva Las Vegas!